As I’ve stated time and time again, there are certain things I can only do at 3am. One of them is think. Another is write.
It is for times like these and I save my deepest emotions and feelings for because it is at these times that they can be expressed with the utmost emotion and feeling.
I didn’t sleep a single wink that night, you know that? Saying I stayed up analyzing what you said and contemplating ever possible scenarios of “us” would be a lie but I’d also be lying if I said that that wasn’t a major part of it.
A friend told me that I was being childish due to my lack of sleep and told me to reflect on my thoughts after a nap. I told her that I wasn’t going to regret these decisions anytime in the near future. I still stand by my words to this day.
The truth is I quit.
Why? Because I was sick of it. It was like trying to teach an old dog new tricks. What I was trying to achieve was simply impossible and I finally realized that.
So I quit. Like any sane person would.
Because I finally realized, that after all this time, I was the one holding you back. I was overprotective and I finally saw that. I was always there to hold your hand and to walk you through everything. I projected myself onto you and told you how to live your life in hopes of sheltering you from pain. I never let your learn by yourself. I never let you fail.
Just like no matter how many times your mother warns you of a flame’s burn, you must touch it yourself to feel the hurt. Failure is often said to be the best teacher, and all this time, I’ve been stripping you of that and for that, I am sincerely sorry.
And so I left.
It was never because I hated you. And yes, I have to clearly state that because I believe that you’re dumb enough to believe that I really did. Because you’re that kind of person. Retarded. Stupid.
To accept your apologies would be to accuse someone of wrongdoing for having thoughts or opinions.
I left because I had to leave.
Because you needed to fail on your own.
Because you needed to learn on your own.
Because you needed to grow up on your own.
And you’ve proved to me that you can. In fact, you’ve proven that you did. And because of that, I know that I’m no longer needed.
So continue to do so.
You’ve got a lot of catching up to do.
